Today

Well I got my new computer!  Having trouble figuring out what my Mom's password to get online is...Dang thing...I have to work early today...5AM to 11AM...Just when I got to sleep my alarm went off on my phone to wake up...I am still having a lot of trouble being able to sleep.

Yesterday was hard to say goodbye to my uncle.  It was so pretty yesterday.  Cold but still pretty.  It was like he asked God to make that day sunny just for him.  I didn't get to go to the cemetery though.  The snow was still pretty bad...I will end up going out there when the snow is gone and I am able to have the day off.  I may have not got to see my uncle much, but i do miss him.  He was always calling me little A. :)  He never had a mean or negative word to say to anyone.  He really made me want my actions to start changing.  I wish I could be that positive about things in my life.

I am still trying to be open about how I feel.  Sometimes it can be so hard.  Theres times I have like a pit in my tummy and I feel like I will just start to cry at anytime...

some of how i feel

I am not okay.  I am still crying all the time.  It is to the point it hurts to breathe.  I am the one to cause all this and I can't fix it.  I wish I could have him back so much that I sit in my room and cry.  I still have a lot of trouble eating and even wanting to eat.  I just hate myself so much that I dont know what else to say

More about today..

Well out of court.  It went ok I guess.  I have to go back March 1.  Joy!  NOT!!  I asked if the lawyer was pursuing Matt and he goes that he didn't have to tell me anything.  He said he couldn't get a hold of him...More like he isn't even trying.  So I am calling my lawyer Monday about that and about the paying the bankruptcy. I want to get my divorce finalized all ready and be done with all this.  

I do have to say something though.  A lot of times when I say I am ok I really am not ok.  I am just trying to get through the day without totally loosing it.  I cry like at the weirdest moments and I don't know why I do.  I know I have some work to do on myself I just hope that it will show in the long run.  I mean I know things are not going to happen over night or anything.  I wish they did.  

I need to work on thinking I am a bother to everyone I am friends with.  I don't like venting as much to people cause I think I am being a bother or a burden to them.  And I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to talk to people about how I feel and what I think without worrying that they may think I am stupid, or that I am annoying, or something.  I just wish I would have known more about all this before I hurt people.  *sigh* 

  

Today is going to be one of those days...

So I got up this morning and it snowed...YUCK!  I am so ready for spring.  Winter is the worst season of all I think.  Mainly cause I hate being cold.  I hate being hot too.  But I can deal with that better.  In the winter my knee hurts more and so does my back.  Somehow I always end up in an accident in the winter or something happens.  The neighbor guy is pretty nice though.  He is cleaning off the side walk with his snow blower.  Last winter when I was on crutches he would do that.  It was pretty nice I think. 

So today I am feeling ok I guess.  I have to leave for court soon over the trailer my ex and I had.  What I would like to know is if he gets dragged in there every other month?  I mean he works full time and was the one to decide we were going to live there.  I didn't even want to buy it in the first place.  Why is it everytime I have to go I get nervous.  I mean there is nothing for me to be nervous about.  

Right now I am having trouble eating mostly cause of when I am upset or something its hard for me to eat.  I know I need to and everything but it is so dang hard!!  I just wish things were back to what they used to be... 

Me being stupid once again...

Well I messed up a great thing once again.  I had a great guy in my life and he asked that I be open and that communication is the most important thing.  He is right.  Communication is so important.  When I finally figured that out it was too late.  I lost one of the best things in my life because of not being able to get over the crap I had put into my head.  

For a long time when I was with my ex his family would say how stupid my ideas were, or that the things I were thinking were not important.  My ex even believe that as well to a point.  Instead of not believing them and thinking for myself I let their thoughts and negativity become my own.  I hate that I let this become what I thought about myself.  Then letting it ruin something so amazing and something that made me so happy.  

I hope that I can be friends with him at the very least.  Do I wish we were still together?  Totally!  Do I wish I could go back in time and change how I handled myself and figured out what was going on sooner?  Hell yes!!  Then maybe him and I would still be together and happy.  Instead of being hurt and feeling like I am dead inside.  I just want him to be happy.  And I want to be happy again...

I am hoping me writing out how I feel will help me more with communicating with others.  I know I can't keep going the way I was.  It isn't fair to the people I love that are in my life.  And it isn't fair to myself that is for sure.  I just wish I would have had the chance to explain myself more and show that I do trust him.  And that I know he isn't like my ex.  *sigh*

Update

I am doing pretty good.  Work is going great! I really love working there.  I would with the greatest people.  And the company it'self is awesome!  Just worried about the next few months cause I know its going to be nuts!!!!!!

I got a job!

I got a job!!!! Finally!  I am now working as a cashier at Kmart. :)  I am so happy I finally got something.  Now I just have to work on getting the bankruptcy paid off and then my divorce can finally go thru and I will be totally free from ever having to see Matt again... 

I am doing a lot better with the whole getting divorced thing though.  I finally got it through my head that I did nothing wrong and that I at least was trying.  He gave up...  But I am not getting into that whole thing again.