Well now my Dad is in the hospital.  His white blood count was down.  So they are trying to bring it back up now.  He has been feeling sick the past few days.  The medication seems to be really working tho.  So that is good.  I hope he gets better soon.  I mean I hate that he is there, but it has been really quiet and some what calm at home.  I say some what cause my sister is having a major attitude about everything.  I have no idea what is wrong with her.  Mom says everything has to be about her...sigh...

I am working a 4 hour shift tomorrow.  I hope things go good with everything tomorrow. We had a big meeting at our store with a lot of the managers.  We had to do a lot of cleaning the store and fixing a few things.

Well J went home yesterday.  Thank the Lord!! He was so incredible creepy.  I stayed home with Mom and Dad and Amber took him home.  I guess the whole time he was saying that he missed me.  Then he calls me last night saying he has heard rumors and that I should call him if I want to talk to him.  I told him that I am not calling him again and that I didn't want to date him or have anything to do with him.  I will never go out with a friend of Amber's again.  I would rather stay single.  Everyone in my family got the creeps from him.  I just wish that I never said he could come with L.  I would rather had just spent my birthday with my family and not had him here.  My birthday was still good tho.

I got the best gift ever when Mom was released from the hospital on my birthday.  And then I stopped at the post office and I got my gift from M.  A Yankee key chair and a Yankees jersey.  I love them!!! I have worn the jersey every day since I got it. 

I go back to work tomorrow.  I just hope I have a good day and remember some of the extra specials we have going on this week.  I am not in the garden shop at all this week.  I think next week I will be though.

Well I had the date with my sister's boyfriend's friend J....He was nice and everything at first, but then got a little weird.  He said a few things that reminded me of my ex husband, and also acts like him with a few things.  I did not like that at all.  I told him I would rather us be friends and that I didn't feel anything when he tried to kiss me.  I mean shouldn't you feel a spark or something?  And he chews tobacco which is fine...But I am just not into it..  I am just glad he is going home soon.  They put a tent up and have been staying there.  L (my sisters Bf) went home yesterday and I was really hoping he would go home too but he wanted to stay and my sister called my Mom and said it was ok for us to take him back home Sunday.  There are other things about him that I am just not into.  He likes to go hunting...and that is fine, but its not something that I would like to do.  The idea of killing an animal as a sport just makes me sad.  He also makes fun of Amish people and I really don't like that someone would make fun of another culture or what they believe in.  I mean I may not agree with some of the things they do and stuff, but I am not going to put them down or make fun of them.  He also makes some jokes that are just stupid and I don't get them or they are mean and just plain rude.  My sister even said she was sorry she pushed me into going on a date with him, and everything.  She said she gets a weird vibe from him.  Mom even said she didn't think he is the right guy for me.  And I am in agreement with her 110%.  I kept thinking that I swear I saw him on America's most wanted.  And that just makes me even more creept out.  Dad even said he is creepy.  So that door is totally closed. 

ANYWAYS......

I am now 30 years old.  Holy crap do I feel old!  I don't really know how I feel about being 30 yet.  I haven't really thought too much about it to be honest.  I will write more later on...

I am off of work today.  My sister has been pushing for me to talk to this guy J.  He is older then me.  I didn't really want to talk to him because I still want to be with M, and I know at this time it's not possible and he don't want me to wait around.  I understand that.  It breaks my heart that him and I can't be with each other.  I am totally in love with M and he knows it.  I know he has a lot going on in his life, and that he is trying to get things together.  It just hurts.  Well we had it set up that on my birthday that he was going to spank me on the phone.  Well now that may not happen because of me talking to J.  And J and my sister bf L are supposed to put up a tent in the yard and camp next weekend and celebrate my birthday.  M don't want to spank me cause of him being here.  I get what he means that J could feel hurt that I am getting spanked by another guy.  I understand it.  I am just upset because M and I already had plans to do this and I really want to get spanked by him.  I just want to fall asleep and wake up with me and M being together and things working out...

When is my life going to get easier?  When am I going to be happy again?  Cause right now I don't feel happy.  I feel really depressed and upset and I feel like I am just totally alone...  I don't know anymore about anything...

I am off work tomorrow.  I had to work a four and a half hour shift this morning.  I was on the cash register for it.  It went pretty good.  I had to get used to using the register a different way though.  I got used to working out in the garden center.  I love it out there.  There isn't as much stuff going on.  Even though it gets hot out there at times I can still go inside the store and get cooled off some, and I have my water bottle that I am able to drink out of.  So that helps a lot.

 I am going to end up going to the library so I can log the pages I have read for this week.  I am at a total of over 8,000 pages so far.  I am proud of myself for getting to this point.  Reading really helps me relax, and not worry about things that are going on at home.  I am also going to do laundry too. 

My Dad has been talking to me about this place he wants to get that is over 2 hours away from where we live now.  I would have to see about transferring to a different K-mart.  I don't really want to transfer though.  I like the K-mart I am at now.  I have friends here.  I won't really know anyone there.  I don't make friends easy at times.  I get kinda shy when I meet new people.  I know we need a new place that don't cost so much, but I am just unsure about it all....I know right now we don't know if it will happen or not.  I just hope that things will work out.  I know I can't do anything about it right now.  So I will try and stay calm and not freak or stress myself out about it right now. That is all I can really do right now.

Well I been enjoying my last three days off.  I been pretty much just relaxing.  I have to work tomorrow 4 to 10:30.  I am working in my fave place the garden shop once again :) 

I turned in my pages read for this week at the library.  I read over  3000 pages so far :)  I am hoping I win something again this year.  The have a lot of things for prizes this year. 

My Mom had her test done today.  We won't know the results till Monday.  I am really worried about what they will say.  I hope good things.

I worked today from 8 to 2.  It went pretty good.  I got a lot done.  I had to move the plants around.  So now my back is hurting some.  So I am laying down on my bed and watching movies.  I work 8 to 2 tomorrow. 

I am just feeling really down today.  I miss talking to M....sigh....

Some one just shoot me already.  I am so tired of getting hurt and crying....I can't handle it anymore....I am to the point I just want to do something stupid...