I am off of work today.  My sister has been pushing for me to talk to this guy J.  He is older then me.  I didn't really want to talk to him because I still want to be with M, and I know at this time it's not possible and he don't want me to wait around.  I understand that.  It breaks my heart that him and I can't be with each other.  I am totally in love with M and he knows it.  I know he has a lot going on in his life, and that he is trying to get things together.  It just hurts.  Well we had it set up that on my birthday that he was going to spank me on the phone.  Well now that may not happen because of me talking to J.  And J and my sister bf L are supposed to put up a tent in the yard and camp next weekend and celebrate my birthday.  M don't want to spank me cause of him being here.  I get what he means that J could feel hurt that I am getting spanked by another guy.  I understand it.  I am just upset because M and I already had plans to do this and I really want to get spanked by him.  I just want to fall asleep and wake up with me and M being together and things working out...

When is my life going to get easier?  When am I going to be happy again?  Cause right now I don't feel happy.  I feel really depressed and upset and I feel like I am just totally alone...  I don't know anymore about anything...