Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Went and saw the lawyer about my divorce.  I have to pay 679 towards the bankruptcy and he has to do the same.  Then the divorce will be finalized.  I wish it was all done already.  I have the day off! YAY! 

Friday, January 27, 2012

I gotta work 5 to 9 tonight.  I sometimes hate closing.  Mostly cause I never know when I will get out of there.  I don't mind straightening the store or anything like that.  It gets me away from the cash register and out on the floor.

I just keep messing up...What is wrong with me?  Why do I keep doing this?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A great day

Today went pretty good.  I had to work 6 hours.  At first it was going so slow that I thought I would never get out of there.  I was running the register for a good part of the first 2 hours.  Then I got asked to put some of the candy away and then I had to put a lot of the Valentines Day candy out.  I couldn't finish putting it all out, so a person I work with put it away.  She even asked me how I wanted it put out.  Kinda made me feel like I was important.

While I was doing the candy two kids went out the door and our security guy stopped them because they were trying to shoplift.  The cops were even there.  One guy tried running, but the cops got him!  It was awesome!!  

I work with some pretty cool people actually! :)

I am feeling so much better now then I have the last few weeks.  Last night I had such an amazing time being able to talk to M.  I am trying to communicate a lot more with him, and telling him what I want and what I am feeling.  He is so different from the other guys I have been with.  For the first time a guy is making me feel like I am special and that I am beautiful.  I never really had that before to be honest.  I just hope I don't mess things up again...

I finally am able to get online with my laptop thanks to my brother! :)  I am still learning how different this one is from my old laptop and from my parents computer.  It is nice not having to wait for my turn to go on.  That is for sure!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Well I have to work today.  4 hours and 45 min.  I swear the way the computer does the hours is weird as heck!

I am worried about my girl and also about a very close friend of mine today.  I hope everything is ok with both of them.  I am trying not to freak out because of not hearing from either of them yet...Just hope things go good right now.

 Why is it bill collectors all have to call in the morning?  I mean seriously people are just getting up and some can be grouchy and not want to talk to some pushy person who is has sent over 80 letters saying you need to pay this and then harass them on the phone...It is pretty dang annoying if you ask me.

Well I set an appointment up to see my lawyer about the divorce.  I am so ready to be done with all this waiting around.  I want it over all ready.  It just keeps dragging on and I want to be free of having to worry about everything with this.  

I am really working on communicating how I feel and what I want.  I am doing a little better, but I know it just takes time and I just have to keep doing it.  It is very important! 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Well I had to go to the library today...Finally I am able to get online and at least get somethings downloaded.  :)  At least it is something.  I am going to look into why I cant get online at home.  But for now I am just trying to get all my music downloaded so i can at least listen to that.  I am having trouble sitting still and not dance around and sing along to the music.  LOL!

I had a panic attack last night.  I never had one before.  It started when A and my Dad started yelling at each other because A wanted a few cigs for the night.  Well Dad told her he was making her quit and she did not like that and told him that he has no right to boss her around and make decisions for her.   He slammed the door and my hands started shaking and if felt like I couldn't breathe right.  I was crying and it felt so weird and scarey.  I talked to Mike and was able to calm down.  And breathe right.  I have no idea why I was like that.  I do know I never want to go through that again.  It was really scarey.  

So today has been a lot better then yesterday that is for sure.  I am just glad I am finally getting some sleep now!  I still dont eat a whole bunch at meal times.  But I am trying....

Monday, January 23, 2012


Going to the doctor today...Ugh I hate going to the doctor.  She always has really cold hands and yeah I just hate the doctor.  

I am glad I am off work today.  I have a lot of stuff to do other then going to the doctors.  

I got my computer.  :)  The dang thing won't connect to the internet.  D is gonna try and get it figured out.  I really don't want to have to take the darn thing back already.  ARH!! I just want it to work already...  I hate having to use my parents computer...There is like no privacy in my parents house at all.  Yeah I really need to get my own place.  I just don't make enough to be able to be out on my own.  If I tried to I would totally fail.  I know I would.  And that is one of my worst fears.  That I am going to fail at everything I try to do.   I don't think I could handle that feeling.  

I slept some last night.  Everytime I got to sleep though I was getting a text from someone or something.  I wanted to shove my phone under my bed. LOL!  I am really going to try and eat more and sleep better now.  I know it is important for me to eat and get more sleep.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


How am I doing?  Really bad...Cant stop crying it hurts to breathe i just want someone to just end it already for me...I cant deal with this anymore...


Well I got my new computer!  Having trouble figuring out what my Mom's password to get online is...Dang thing...I have to work early today...5AM to 11AM...Just when I got to sleep my alarm went off on my phone to wake up...I am still having a lot of trouble being able to sleep.

Yesterday was hard to say goodbye to my uncle.  It was so pretty yesterday.  Cold but still pretty.  It was like he asked God to make that day sunny just for him.  I didn't get to go to the cemetery though.  The snow was still pretty bad...I will end up going out there when the snow is gone and I am able to have the day off.  I may have not got to see my uncle much, but i do miss him.  He was always calling me little A. :)  He never had a mean or negative word to say to anyone.  He really made me want my actions to start changing.  I wish I could be that positive about things in my life.

I am still trying to be open about how I feel.  Sometimes it can be so hard.  Theres times I have like a pit in my tummy and I feel like I will just start to cry at anytime...

Friday, January 20, 2012

some of how i feel

I am not okay.  I am still crying all the time.  It is to the point it hurts to breathe.  I am the one to cause all this and I can't fix it.  I wish I could have him back so much that I sit in my room and cry.  I still have a lot of trouble eating and even wanting to eat.  I just hate myself so much that I dont know what else to say

Thursday, January 19, 2012

More about today..

Well out of court.  It went ok I guess.  I have to go back March 1.  Joy!  NOT!!  I asked if the lawyer was pursuing Matt and he goes that he didn't have to tell me anything.  He said he couldn't get a hold of him...More like he isn't even trying.  So I am calling my lawyer Monday about that and about the paying the bankruptcy. I want to get my divorce finalized all ready and be done with all this.  

I do have to say something though.  A lot of times when I say I am ok I really am not ok.  I am just trying to get through the day without totally loosing it.  I cry like at the weirdest moments and I don't know why I do.  I know I have some work to do on myself I just hope that it will show in the long run.  I mean I know things are not going to happen over night or anything.  I wish they did.  

I need to work on thinking I am a bother to everyone I am friends with.  I don't like venting as much to people cause I think I am being a bother or a burden to them.  And I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to talk to people about how I feel and what I think without worrying that they may think I am stupid, or that I am annoying, or something.  I just wish I would have known more about all this before I hurt people.  *sigh* 


Today is going to be one of those days...

So I got up this morning and it snowed...YUCK!  I am so ready for spring.  Winter is the worst season of all I think.  Mainly cause I hate being cold.  I hate being hot too.  But I can deal with that better.  In the winter my knee hurts more and so does my back.  Somehow I always end up in an accident in the winter or something happens.  The neighbor guy is pretty nice though.  He is cleaning off the side walk with his snow blower.  Last winter when I was on crutches he would do that.  It was pretty nice I think. 

So today I am feeling ok I guess.  I have to leave for court soon over the trailer my ex and I had.  What I would like to know is if he gets dragged in there every other month?  I mean he works full time and was the one to decide we were going to live there.  I didn't even want to buy it in the first place.  Why is it everytime I have to go I get nervous.  I mean there is nothing for me to be nervous about.  

Right now I am having trouble eating mostly cause of when I am upset or something its hard for me to eat.  I know I need to and everything but it is so dang hard!!  I just wish things were back to what they used to be... 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Me being stupid once again...

Well I messed up a great thing once again.  I had a great guy in my life and he asked that I be open and that communication is the most important thing.  He is right.  Communication is so important.  When I finally figured that out it was too late.  I lost one of the best things in my life because of not being able to get over the crap I had put into my head.  

For a long time when I was with my ex his family would say how stupid my ideas were, or that the things I were thinking were not important.  My ex even believe that as well to a point.  Instead of not believing them and thinking for myself I let their thoughts and negativity become my own.  I hate that I let this become what I thought about myself.  Then letting it ruin something so amazing and something that made me so happy.  

I hope that I can be friends with him at the very least.  Do I wish we were still together?  Totally!  Do I wish I could go back in time and change how I handled myself and figured out what was going on sooner?  Hell yes!!  Then maybe him and I would still be together and happy.  Instead of being hurt and feeling like I am dead inside.  I just want him to be happy.  And I want to be happy again...

I am hoping me writing out how I feel will help me more with communicating with others.  I know I can't keep going the way I was.  It isn't fair to the people I love that are in my life.  And it isn't fair to myself that is for sure.  I just wish I would have had the chance to explain myself more and show that I do trust him.  And that I know he isn't like my ex.  *sigh*