I'm doing okay...Christmas went very good.  I got a new game for my 3DS, some penguin socks, and some cups and also got penguin slippers.  I think the day went very well...I had the day off today. 

I have to work tomorrow and Thursday.  Then I have the next two days off.  So I think I will end up changing my sheets and doing some house work.  I may end up taking down my Christmas decorations as well...Then again I may leave them up till New Years Day. 

Amber is driving me nuts...She is always trying to get into my business about everything.  It makes me mad.  There are times she says things to people and she thinks she is helping, but she just makes things worse.  I am 30 years old for crying out loud.  If I ask her to leave something alone then she should respect what I want.  However that will never happen since apparently everything revolves around her.

There are a lot of times that I wish that things were different...There is nothing I can really do...I tried so much to change things.  I am not sure what else that I can really do. 

I am working tonight.  Work is going good.  It is going to be crazy for a few more days.  Tonight I am working till midnight.  I just hope that I will still be able to get the hours after Christmas is over.  I am hoping that I will be able to do the shoes department.  That way I will have the hours. 

I am doing okay...Just been busy with work...Most of the time I have either been at work or sleeping it seems like.  I did okay bowling tonight. :)  I really don't have much to say lately...I am just trying to get through work and the holiday season to be honest...

Today was okay...The party for my Mom went really good.  She was really surprised.  :)  I still really miss Mike and wish him and I were talking more...sigh...I am trying to leave him alone so he can think about things and have no pressure from me...I wish I knew what he is thinking about all this...sigh...

Today was ok I guess...My knee hurts some.  But it is raining so I kinda knew that would happen...We are going to my Aunts tomorrow.  I have the next two days off.  So I am happy about that.

I just feel so stupid...I wish things were back to the way it was... :(

Still just not feeling good about all this...I cant make someone want to be with me or be my friend :(

Not sure about everything that is going on...This is really hurting me..  Totally broken hearted now..  I just want to curl up and cry even more...What is wrong with me?  I guess I am a stupid looser after all.  I doubt anyone will ever really want me. :(

I am still crying myself to sleep and i still want to cry during the day...I just dont get it I was trying to listen to what everyone was telling me to do..I was trying to do the right thing...Maybe I am ment to be alone...I feel like a stupid looser... :(

Life is really sucking right now... :(  I just want to curl in a ball and cry...I feel like I have no one to really talk to...Mike won't speak to me...E isn't answering me...sigh...

My heart just hurts so much...I was trying to do the right thing...and it backfired on me... :(

Very bad day...

Last night we had to take Amber to the Er cause of her feeling sick.  She has a stomach virus.  While we were there I was talking to Mike.  And Mom said her sugar was getting low.  So she told me to text Dad about getting something to eat.  Well Mike yelled at me and told me to go get something for Mom to eat.  I was trying to get Mom's card and she wouldn't let me.  He is mad because I was going to ask Dad if it was okay to spend money when Mom's sugar was low.  Then today he said he wants to take a step back from me and figure out what he wants to do and that he is ashamed of me.  Mom said she was fine she just wanted something to eat.  I feel like a stupid looser right now.  I keep crying.  I don't want to eat anything.  If I try to eat I will just end up throwing it up cause of how I feel.  I am not really hungry either.

I asked Mom and Amber to leave Mike alone and give him time and they totally are ignoring what I asked.  I am just feeling more and more depressed.  :(

Work went ok.  I am off tomorrow so I am sleeping in and then I go bowling later on.  I will prolly end up sucking like always...

Well I worked 3 am till 8 am then I took a nap.  And then I went to Danny's for a late thanksgiving dinner.  It was really good.  Andrea did an awesome job making everything and so did Danny.  And tomorrow I have the day off.  I am going to have a lot of fun not doing anything, but sleeping lots!  I need to catch up on all the sleep that I missed this past week...

Well I made it thru working 6 to 3...Just gotta make it thru the 2 30 to 11 30 shift...Totally tired and just want to go back to sleep...We are supposed to have an hour lunch if we work over 9 hours and we are also supposed to have two 15 min breaks....Some people only got a half hour and no breaks at all...It was insane last night...And it is prolly going to be insane today...I am so ready for Monday when I have the day off.

Danny was nice and told me I could sleep in his room since it is quite up there and darker.  His bed is soo uncomfortable.  I definitely appreciate my bed so much more.  And it was cold up there. So tonight I am sooo sleeping in my room.  

Mom is making me brownies to take for work tonight for our carry in.  She is so nice.  I just don't want to even try standing and making them.  My luck I would mess up the ingredients.  I have such an awesome Mom...

I'm off from work today.  This week is going to be crazy.  I am working about a 38 hour week,  Gotta love Black Friday!  I am hoping that things will go smoothly and we do really good with everything.  I worked last night.  I mostly worked the floor and also worked the service desk.  I really like working the service desk.  I love being able to learn more things. 

So today I am just relaxing and not doing anything, but maybe a few things around the house.    So right now I am watching old episodes of Charmed, and I am also playing around on my facebook.  So just been relaxing. :)

Worked 5 to close tonight.  It went pretty good.  I had to train a new guy.  It went pretty good I think.  Also I was trying to make sure this new girl was able to do register as well.  She did pretty good too.  I can't wait for Thursday.  I have the day off and I bowl tomorrow as well.

I just hope I do better bowling then what I have been.

When I was on my way home I saw two deer.  I swear they are on the look  out for me.  LOL!  

I worked 4 am till till 8 am it went pretty good.  I am still coughing and my voice is still all messed up...I am hoping that I will get better soon...I feel totally fine other then the coughing...

I have to work tomorrow 11 to 5.  I hope I am not on the register...

Had the day off today.  I had to go into work for the Christmas meeting though.  It was only an hour long though.  We just found out that the hours are just going to be insane for Thursday and Friday.  I just hope that we do good with sales, and nothing crazy happens.  Last year there was a fight at Wal-Mart.  Thankfully we didn't have any fights over merchandise.  Which is really good.  I am still refusing to shop on that day.  That is totally for sure.  There is way too many people out shopping and it is way to crowded.  Also people's tempers are really high.

I went bowling today.  I totally had an off night.  I bowled an 87, 74, and a 69.  I know I can do better then that.  I just really have to work on a few things.  I need to concentrate more about what I am doing, and work on being focused and not turning my hand like I do.  And making sure I walk straight and not go all over the place.

I am working tomorrow.  I have been training new people.  They are doing really good.  I like training someone and showing them how to do things.  There are times that I want to take over for people.  I just need to be patient and let them do things and let them figure out how to do stuff, and not jump in and try to take over for them.  If I do that they will never learn. 

Finally feeling a lot more like myself...I am still coughing but not like I was.  I have tomorrow off but I have to go in for an hour meeting which sucks...But what can I do about it?

I am still sick unfortunately.  I am still coughing and my voice comes and goes.  I just hope that I get better fast.  I really hate being sick.

I worked 4 to 8 am today...I hate going to bed early but I liked that I had the whole day to do whatever I want to do.

Still sick...So tired of sleeping all the time and trying to get better...sigh

Well I worked today..and now im sick...dont really feel like writing in my journal today...I will say that I am worried about Mike and being in the path of the hurricane...Hope he and my other friends stay safe!

off today gonna rest my throat hurts

Work went pretty good today.  I have to work 8 and a half hours tomorrow.  I am hoping that I don't have to be on the register the whole time.  I hope I get to at least be on the floor some.  I love working on the floor and doing things there. 

I have Sunday off.  I will be getting my hair dyed and cut.  I can't wait. 

I got all the bankruptcy course finished.  Thank God for that.  I hated having to sit here and read it all....  Now I just have to sign the papers for it.  I think I am doing that on Thursday the 8.  I just want to get all this done and over with.

Work went good today.  I had to go in at 9 since Mom had to go to court and speak to the lawyer about the bill.   Now she has to go back in January for it.  They think things will change for her.  But I know Mom will go in and say nothing changed and then they will keep making her go back.  It is very annoying that they do that.

I got the papers for my bankruptcy so I have to read through them all get a few things around and call for an appointment.  Hopefully I can go in and not have to do it when Matt does it.  Really don't want to have to see him unless I have to...

I am still working 6 days a week.  So here lately I am getting 30 hours and more.  So that is good. :)

Just wanna cry..

I had an okay day at work.  Only had to work 4 hours.  And tomorrow I am off.

I have to go to court for the Lot Rent.  I missed one of the days that I was suppossed to see the lawyer about the rent.  I never got a notice in the mail.  So now I am in contempt of court.  So I am really nervous about what is going to go on. 


I am really upset with this whole thing with Mike.  Everything was going good.  And then when I had a bad day I text him and told him about it and he never got the text.  Then he read it later on Fet about my bad day then told me him and I was done.  My heart is totally braking over all this.  I know I sent him the text.  I never got a thing from him.  I have been trying to talk to him about this all, but he won't even give me a chance to talk about it all.  Then when I got cussed I said a few bad words.  And now he don't want anything to do with me.  I love him a lot and want us to be together.  I am happy when him and I are talking.  Right now I don't want to eat.  I don't want to go to work.  I don't want to do anything but cry and sleep.  I am trying to give him time and maybe he will come around.  I don't want to loose hope...But it is really getting hard.

Work went good I worked a 9 hour shift.  My feel are really hurting.  I work tomorrow but its only 4 hours so that is good.

Mike still won't talk to me and listen to what I have to say.  It really is braking my heart.  I am hardly sleeping and eating right now.  I just wish he would listen to me...sigh

Work went good.  Still not feeling the best.  I am still having trouble eating and keeping it down...I dont really feel like writing right now... :(

I have today off work.  I cried myself to sleep last night and then woke up crying...He won't even talk to me or give me a chance.  I text him and didnt get a word from him...My heart feels like some one riped it out and stabbed it with a knife and threw it away.  I can't eat.  I tried to eat lunch and I just threw it up.  I just dont understand.  I tried to tell him that I was texting him and he didnt want to listen to me at all. :( I love him and want him and I to be together.  I don't want to do anything.  I want to curl up in a ball and just lay there.  I hate being me.  Wish i wasnt even around anymore...

Work went a lot better today.  I ended up getting the out dates and short dates and rearranged the cart for the candy.  Thank God I have tomorrow off work.

Bowling went pretty good.  Well the first game did.  I got a  116 then got a 62 then a 90.  Hopefully next week goes even better.

Then I get home and had a message from Mike.  He was saying I wasn't communicating and said a few other things as well.  I sent him quite a few text and got nothing back from him.  And now he won't even talk to me.  It is all a big misunderstanding and he won't let me even talk to him about what happined.  I love him and I want him and I to be in a relationship.  He won't even talk to me.  It hurts that he wont talk to me about what is going on.  I wish he would.  People talk through their problems and he won't give me the chance to.  *sigh* :( I just want to lay in my bed and cry and never stop.  :(   I don't understand why he won't even hear me out about everything.  I mean I have been sending text after text and got nothing back and I don't understand what is going on....

I had to work today.  Things started off ok.  Then they just went down hill.  We had the LP Supervisor in today.  Then we are going to have corp in tomorrow.  So I ended up having to go through all the pantry and find all the outdated food and the food that will be outdated soon.  Then when I went to get a new package for a table cloth I had to ask about and the girl I asked got all smart.  So I just went and figured it out myself. 

I am working tomorrow I just hope the day goes better then today.  I hate when I have bad days.  I just get really down.

Amber had her interview.  She is waiting to find out if she got the job or not.  I have mixed feelings about it.  I mean I want her to have a job and be able to get money for her stuff and everything.  Then again I don't want to work with her...

I am so glad I am bowling tomorrow.  It gets me out of the house and a way to have fun.

Well Mom had her test done.  Things came out really good.  She dont have diatickulites or pancratitus anymore.  So that is good.  Her colon is healthy.  So that is good.  I am just happy that the test is done. 

Amber has an interview tomorrow at K mart...This is going to be interesting.  I am just hoping that things work out and don't go nuts with work.

I wish my Dad would learn to be happy and stop taking his bad moods out on us and making us feel like we are nothing and we don't know anything.  It really makes me annoyed when he acts like this.  He always has an attatude about things.

Danny has been using their car to go back and forth to work,  So my parents are using my car.  My Dad is making a big deal about me putting gas in my car.  When I do that he always uses it and then lets it go down to empty and then goes off cause i don't have the money to put more gas in it.  It just really drives me nuts.

Well I worked today.  It went pretty good.  I was on the cash register most of the time. 

I went to the library to get a few books and movies and a game for tomorrow.  I have the day off and my Mom has to go to the hospital for a test to be done on her.  So I am going to be spending the time there while she is having the test done. 

It is so cold in my house.  We had the furnace on and it was just blowing cold air.  I hope Dad can get it fixed soon so it's not cold.  I am so ready for summer already and its not even winter yet.  LOL.  Right now I have sweats on and my Yankee blanket on.  Hopefully I start getting warm.

Mike and I are doing good.  I like how our relationship is going right now.  Just wished I lived closer to him.    

Well I got into major trouble with Mike, and was grounded from the computer until today.  I totally know that I need to make sure my alarm is on and everything so I don't get into trouble like this again.  I got spanked and also grounded and also had to do 200 rainbow lines.  I almost didn't get my lines done.  So happy I did though.

Work has been going pretty good.  I got a free costume from work.  I was a greeter yesterday for our Halloween sale.  It was fun.  I dressed up as a devil.  I have the day off today.  So I am cleaning the closet out and rearranging things so I have more room.  :)

I finally broke 100 for bowling.  I bowled a 113 and then I bowled a 101 and then an 81.  It was awesome.  I just hope I do as good next week when we go again.

Well my Mom is in the hospital.  And then Mike was in the er at the same time as Mom, but he was able to go home.  They admitted Mom, but it looks like she will be coming home today.  She has a virus and they can't really do anything about that.  And Mike's blood sugar is all over the place and he isn't getting enough sleep at night.  And E has been having really bad migraines.  I just want everyone that I care about to be healthy.  I hate it when they don't feel good. 

I am working tonight 6 to 10.  I hope it goes fast.  I am so ready for Saturday.  I have the day off.  So I am going to do my laundry, and also get things done around the house.

I can't wait for October 4.  The last season of Jersey Shore comes on and I can't wait to watch it.  Mike got us into watching the show.  I wonder if they will have new people come in and do the show.  I hope so.  It is a really good show.  Some of the things they do I just laugh at and think what in the world are you doing? LOL!

Work went good today...I think D might be getting fired.  She is really starting to get on everyone's last nerve.  I am hoping she either quits or gets fired.

I am working tomorrow.  I hope it goes good.

Bowling was fun tonight.  I bowled a 74 a 99 and a 37.  I was one pin away from my goal.  I just wanted to cry that i didn't get 100.  Oh well next time!  Now I owe Mike 200 spankings!! ARH!! Oh who am I kidding I love spankings! LOL!

So today I worked.  It went pretty good.  I think one of the girls I work with will be getting fired soon.  She keeps calling in sick at the last minute.  She is also still new.  I was on the cash register a lot of the time.  When I wasn't I was helping a few other people with trying to get ink off of the floors. 

I am working tomorrow and then I get to go bowling.  I love bowling and spending time out of the house and with my friends and co workers away from work.

My Mom isn't feeling too good.  She has to go in for a cat scan on Friday.  I hope everything comes out normal.  And then she is having test done in two weeks also.  I am hoping that everything comes out ok.

Well work went good today.  It went pretty fast I only had to work four hours.  Tomorrow I am working 6 hours.   I don't have a day off until 12 days from now.  I am going to be one tired girl that is for sure.  But I need the money.  I really need to start saving to get a new car.  The one I have now just sucks.

Amber is at her friend's house till October 3.  I am glad she is able to get away for a few days.  It is very quiet here.  I love it when it is quiet like this.  I don't have to worry about the fighting as much right now.  It takes a toll on me hearing the yelling all the time. 

I wish I was able to be with Mike right now.  He isn't feeling good.  So I am trying to be good so he don't have to worry about having to punish me.  He already has to spank me for not bowling 100 or over on Thursday.  Him and I had this deal that if I didn't he would get to spank me.  But then he doesn't need a reason to spank me in the first place.

Well I have the next three days off from work.  So tomorrow I am going to my Aunts for the night.  She is having a partylite party. :)  I love the candles the sell.  They smell a lot better then the ones in the store.  But they can be very expensive.

Right now I am watching The Wizard of Oz with Mom.  I know its a little kids movie, but I have always loved this movie.  I have no clue why.  I also want to see about watching the Princess Bride later on.  That is another one of my fave movies.

I downloded some new books on my nook for this weekend and for the next two weeks.  I love being able to do that.  Now if I could just get my 50 Shades of Grey back from my friend P.  My brother's girlfriend wants to read it and I want to read them again as well.  LOL.

Work went pretty good...I have to work tomorrow too...and then I get to go bowling...I can't wait.  I am really hoping I bowl over 100.  My butt is hoping I bowl over 100 as well.  I wanna spend some time with Mike tomorrow night. :)  That is all I am going to say...

Amber and Mom are at school.  And Danny went to do some job for someone.  I hope he starts calming down.  Dad said he had a few temper problems the other day.  He really needs to get control of that.  Dad said he won't put up with it anymore.  I was at work when that happened thankfully...

Well the Indian Roundavu was great.  I got my new dream catcher and a few things for Mike's birthday.  I hope he likes them.  I made two candles.  It was funny when we went to make them Mom told Amber and I not to make them look like penis' and when I took a pic and showed Mike he said that is what they looked liked.  I just wanted to laugh.

Then when we got home Dad was mad cause we didn't bring him home an apple brat.  Apparently Danny or I were supossed to buy it for him.  He only gave Mom 30 dollars to be able to get in and eat and that was it.  If he wanted one so bad he should have just went, but no his drag racing is the most important thing of his life.

I am working today.  It is only a four and a half hour shift.  I can't wait to bowl again on Thursday!

Well I worked 4 hours today.  It went pretty good till D came in to work.  When I tried to tell her the top two shelves of candy were done she told me to go away and not talk to her.  So I walked away and said the heck with helping her put candy away she can do it herself.  I really don't want anything to do with her if she is going to be rude like that to me.

Then Tonight I went bowling.  First game was a 52.  The second game was a 67.  And the last game was an 81.  I was really trying to get up to a 100.  Oh well next time.  I loved playing I had so much fun.  I joined the league.  :) It was great I am hoping I can see about trading my hours next Thursday so I can go again.

I worked four hours today.  It went pretty good. I got asked to join a bowling league.  Mike thinks I should go for it.  It would get me out of the house, and meet people.  I think I will do it after all.  I think it would be fun. 

I work tomorrow from 11 45 to 3 45.  I just hope it goes good like today was.  I am so ready for Saturday and Sunday though.  I have both days off and one of the days we are going to the Indian Roundavu.  It is going to be a lot of fun.  I can't wait!

I been trying to figure out what I want to get Mike for his birthday.  I want to send him some fun stuff...But I also want to send him stuff that he would know I love and care about him...I am also working on two stories right now.  One for E and one for Mike. :)

I got today off from work.  Already I have the dishes done.  I am waiting on Amber to wake up so she can help carry the laundry basket into the back so I can do some of my laundry.  I am still on my weight limit from my doctor.  I still can't lift, pull, or push anything over 10 pounds.  I have till September 11 before I can go back to lifting things agian.  But I think I will still try and take it easy so I don't have my arm hurting again.  From what I understand tendonitis will continue to come back.  I just hope it doesn't for a long time.  

Christmas time will be coming soon, and that is our biggest time of the season at K-Mart.  And we have tons of new people coming in to train and get ready for Black Friday.  This will be my second year, and I am glad I know what to expect from all the crazyness.  I just hope this year I will be working the morning shift.  It is always better to do that because later on it gets really dead and there is nothing to do but try and straightening the entire store.  I know the store ends up looking like a cyclone hit it after about the first two hours.  

Mom is going to be coming home soon!  I am so happy she got a vacation from everything at the house.  But I miss her.  I didn't think I would miss her this much.  But it feels so weird not having her here.  I have really stepped up this week to try and take care of the house work.  Plus I am working my hours at K-Mart as well.  Amber has tried to help some, but she is still slacking a lot.  I haven't got into it with her, Dad, or Danny at all.  I just hope that last though.  Mom said she felt kind of depressed when I last talked to her.  My Aunt and my cousin went somewhere and didn't even invite my Mom along.  It just seemed kind of rude to leave her at the hotel.  I think she is ready to come home.

Amber is on this whole genology kick and trying to get pictures of family together.  I wonder how long she will be doing this for.  I mean its good for her to be doing something I just wish she would show this much eagerness in finding a job and working.  Maybe is she was working that would take a lot of the pressure off of me and having to spend so much money all the time.  Don't get me wrong I love helping my family out and everything, but I would like my own place again.  Yes I have my own room, but I still don't get a lot of privacy at times, and I would love to be able to do my spankings and other things with Mike when ever we can instead of waiting till Danny and Dad are asleep...

Well I have the day off today.  I have to take Amber to some of her appointments.  Then I have to do some laundry.  I am working 11 30 to 3 45 tomorrow.  I hope things keep going well at work and I keep getting people signed up.  I am trying to adopt a new attitude at work that I can get things done and get them done well.

My Mom leaves for Florida.  I just hope that she is safe and had a lot of fun.  I know I had fun when I went with my Aunt.  I just wished that I was able to go with her.  I am hoping that I can go sometime soon again.

So far things at home have been going good.  There hasn't been any fighting or yelling..so far.  I just hope that last the whole time Mom is gone.  Poor Hersey was crying a lot last night.  So he ended up sleeping with me and Panda.  It was hard not to move as much when I was sleeping.  He is so tiny!!  He keeps following me around the house.  I think both of the dogs are missing Amber.  Oscar slept with Amber and is still sleeping beside her.

Today I worked 4 hours and 15 min.  It went pretty good.  I got 3 people signed up yesterday and 2 people signed up today for the show your way rewards cards.  I got told I was team captain for the checkouts for how many people I got signed up last week.  And I had 7 people for that week.  So now I am trying to get more this week and see if I can be first again.  I sure hope so.  I want to get employee of the month.  That is my goal.

I am still on my weight restriction still September 11.  I hate not being able to lift things.  But it is giving my arm a rest and it isn't hurting as much now as what it was.  So the meds are working which is very good.

My Mom left for my Aunts today.  And they will be leaving for Florida tomorrow after my Aunt gets off work.  I hope she has fun and is able to relax.  It is prolly gonna be hard for her.  Both my Aunts are going, and my Mom is prolly going to end up trying to be the peacemaker and keep everyone happy.  I know she needs the vacation, but I am going to be lost with not having her here.  Also it means I really need to step up and take care of a lot of stuff for this week.  I am going to have to make sure the dishes and other housework gets done.  I think it will mostly fall on me to do everything.  I know Danny and Amber won't do much.  If they do they will complain about it the whole time.  Dad will do something probably.  At least I sure hope he will.  Well I better go get the dishes done!

Working today.  I hope it goes good.  My arm still hurts at times.  But I am trying to take it easy.  I make sure to ice my arm after work and then use the electric thing on my arm as well.

Amber is still at my Aunt's house.  I miss her, but I don't miss the fighting and the yelling.  It has been very quiet around here lately.

Mom and I met two of the girls I work with for a girls night.  We went to Hacienda.  It was a lot of fun.  I love the food there!  We also celebrated one of the girls birthdays.  It was funny how red her face was.  And then she said she was going to get back at us around our birthdays.  I was like well you got a year before you get back at me.

Right now I am really upset.  I just got into it with my parents about the gas in my car.  I still have two days that I have to go to work and I am at a quarter tank of gas.  I can't miss any work.  I need the money.  I keep getting told that I don't pay much.  I pay the water bill every month, and I am always buying food.  And that is fine.  But when it comes to the fact that I am blowing my check every two weeks on crap my family needs.  I need to get a new phone because the one I have now isn't working and I no longer have the charger for it because Panda my dog decided to eat it.  And when I tried to tell my Mom about it she takes what I am saying the wrong way and I end up feeling like crap.  My brother is using their car to get back and forth to work.  He already loaned me money for gas that I have to pay back.  I can't handle it anymore.  I just want it all to stop.  I need to get out of here, but I am stuck here because I have no where else to go.  I can't get my own place because of working part time.  I love my job and working there, but I can't make it on my own.  Dad told me that if I don't like it then I can just leave and live in my car.  Maybe I should do that.  Because then they wouldn't have to have me around.  They don't ask Danny for money.  It is always falling on me to give them my money.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Maybe I should go back to just not telling anyone how I am feeling or what I am thinking anymore.  No one really seems to listen as it is so why should I keep trying?
I miss Mike like crazy.  He has a way of calming me down and making me feel wanted and loved.  Right now he won't even talk to me... :( I feel like I have no one to really talk to about how I feel or anything.  I can't get ahold of E because of the storm down south.  My best friend lives in Ohio and always is going on about what is wrong with her life, but won't ask or listen when I have things going on that is rough...

Well went to the doctor after work.  I have tendonitis in my shoulder and cant lift pull or push anything over 10 pounds for the next two weeks.  This is not going to be fun.  And if the meds dont work I am going to have to get a cortazone shot.  Really hope these meds will work.  I dont want a big shot...

Still very down about things with Mike. Sigh.  I dont know what I cant do to be honest.

I have to work tomorrow from 9 45 to 1 45.  Really not looking forward to it with my restrictions at all.

Life just hurts sometimes...

Well i had to work today.  I ended up putting freight away and was still on the check outs.  It went pretty good.  My arm is still really hurting so I am trying to get into see the doctor about it.  Hopefully she can fit me in after work tomorrow.

Then on the way home from work I was trying to talk to my Mom about a few things and it felt like she was ignoring what I was saying or not listening to me at all.  So i raised my voice at her which I am not allowed to do at all.  Well when I told Mike about it I got into trouble.  Which I should have since I did misbehave.  Well then he tells me to stay in my room and that I am not allowed to do anything.  So I do what he tells me, and then I get a text telling me to do whatever I want, no bedtime, or time to get up.  I don't know what happened to make him decide this.  I can't make him want to be my Top even though it is something that I really want and need.  So now I am confused and thinking I did something to make this happen or it is cause of things that happened with my sister.  I don't know.  I just now feel really down.  I am trying not to make myself upset about things and cry, but what I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.  I hate when this happens.  It just makes me feel more insecure and unwanted.  All I want is for him to want me and for him to be my Top and for him to be my boyfriend.  I don't really know what I can do.  It is just really hurting me right now and I don't what to do...Sometimes I really hate being me and having things like this happen to me.

And I am really missing my girlfriend.  I am worried about her with being down in Flordia with the tropical storm being down there.  I know her power is out and it maybe out for awhile.  I just hope she is safe....

Well I am working today from 2 to 6.  My arm started bothering me again so I am trying to get into see the doctor about what we can do.  It's really annoying that it keeps acting up like this.  I been working more and they also are having me do a lot more things now.  I am still mostly on register, but whenever they need someone to do extra stuff on the floor the store manager comes and ask me to do things.  I am glad they think that I am one of the best cashiers.  I try to make sure the customers are happy even when I wanna smack a few upside the head with a newspaper.  Especially the ones that come through and are on the phone.  To me that is incredibly rude!

I have actually been very good the past week or two...Wonder how long that will last, and when Mike will have to beat my butt.  I am sure I am gonna screw up sooner or later!

Well I had the day off work today.  So I ended up going to the library and got 2 new games for my DS3 and then got a new book to read.  I also tried to do a little research on this book that I want to write that is set in the Victorian age in England.  I also did my laundry for the week.  I am working on writing a letter to my soldier.  And I am hoping to send him another package soon. 

My Mom is going to be leaving for Florida soon.  I am still trying to figure out a way I can sneak with her.  I wanna see my girl!!!

I work tomorrow from 1 30 to 5 45.  I already know I will be doing the cash register.  I still wish they would take me off of it.  But now that I found out I am one of the top cashiers I really doubt that will happen now.  Oh well.  Maybe I will get employee of the month.  I sure hope so!

Well yesterday I worked a double shift.  First I was on the register and doing mark downs.  And then I went back after about an hour and twenty minutes and did mark downs again.  It makes me feel good when I get asked to do extra stuff.  I just wish I could be off register a lot more.  I am working today from 4 to close.  So who knows when I will get out of work.  And then I have tomorrow off. :)   I think I will ask Mike if I can go to the library for awhile tomorrow :)

Well I had today off so I did some laundry.  I went to the library and also took Mom and Amb out to eat.  It was fun just having a girl day.  I also had to get a few things from Kmart and also from the grocery store. 

Things have been better with Amb lately.  She seems a lot more upbeat since they changed her meds.

Right now Mom and I are watching Iron Chef America.  During supper we are going to watch the Hunger Games.  I can't wait to see it.  I already read on the books in the series.

I can't wait for Braking Dawn part 2 to come out!!! Also I really hope they make 50 shades of Grey into a movie.  I would totally watch that!!!!

I work tomorrow 2 to 6.  :)

Work went good.  I only had to work 4 hours today.  I have the day off tomorrow. :) So I am going to go to the library and get new games to play on my DS3.  And I am taking Mom and Amber out to eat.  :)  We are going to go to the Chinese place to eat.  They always have really good food. 

I am prolly also going to do some laundry and see if Mom wants me to put anything away from her. 

We are going to be leaving soon to eat. 

I am so happy Mike is my Top again.  :)  He is an awesome Top I think. 

Work went good.  I am just relaxing now.  So happy to just be able to sit down and not have to worry about anything right now. 

I work tomorrow from 2 to 6.  I am going to make sure that I have everything done. 

I made supper tonight.  It was really good.  Right now Mom and I are watching Hell's Kitchen.  And then we are going to watch Dance Moms.  :)

Well work went good.  It went pretty fast.  I had some pretty nice customers today.  :)

I visited my sister after work.  It went pretty good.  She is really drugged up though.  She wants to come home, but Mom and I told her she needs to go by what the doctor says.  I do hope she gets better.  It is really quiet here. 

My brother and I went for a walk after supper.  We walked for 2 whole miles!  I am very proud of myself for not having to sit down once during it.  He even thanked me for going with him.  I tried not to talk his ear off.  Which is hard for me sometimes.  There are times that I talk a lot. LOL!  I am having ice on my knee because it is a little sore from the walk.  But I think it is a good kinda sore.  I am not used to walking that much.

Right now I am just playing around on my facebook.  Dad is watching some John Wayne movie.  I am kinda ignoring it.  I want to see about getting a new IPod.  So when I go walking I can listen to some music.  I am also thinking about joining the YMCA.  Maybe that will help me loose some weight.

Well I had the day off today so I did laundry and have been watching the Harry Potter movies.  Then Mom told me that my sister is going to be admitted to the Bowen Center.  Which is basically a place that helps people that are depressed and suicidal and have trouble with cutting and things like that.  Well we don't know when she will be home.  It is up to A and the doctors to decide when it is safe for her to come home.  I just hope she is okay. 

Then my cousin B was very mean today.  She said I sucked.  I think she is mad that I didn't go with her to keep an eye on her boys.  I love my little cousins, but I don't like how she talks to me or treats me.  Then she asks me to ask one of my bosses at work how she knows her husband.  I mean how can you ask me to do something for you when your being rude to me?  

I go back to work tomorrow.  I am on the cash register.  I am hoping it goes fast.  I work 11 45 to 5.  So not many hours, but I get so bored being on the cash register and doing the same thing.  I wish they would put me back on the floor. 

Well my brother is home after being in the ICU since Sunday early morning.  I am so glad he is back home and doing better then what he was.  He is very quiet with all of us.  And Everyone kinda wants to hover over him and try and help him.  I can tell he don't know what to think about that.  I am just happy he is better...

I go back to work tomorrow.  Mom and I are both going to have an early night tonight.  Both of us are so tired.  Mostly from worrying about my brother and being at the hospital so much.  I hope work goes good tomorrow.

We went to eat at this great restraunt called the Boathouse.  It is really nice there, but expensive.  But the food is really good and you get big portions.

Well today I worked.  It went really good.  I was like 15 minutes late getting off of work.  Which is fine cause those minutes do add up. 

Dad and I went to see about a hearing aid for him.  For a new one they want over 900 for just one.  Then the lady told us he could get one that is refurbished for like 200 to 400.  So I am gonna try to help some with it.  Plus Mom needs new glasses.  Sigh...

I work tomorrow.  I just hope it goes fast.  I dont have a day off till Friday.  Then the next week I work till like Saturday.  So I am going to be a little tired.  But I know I can do it.  And I can save up the money. :)

Well I worked 9 hours today.  It went pretty good.  My back is starting to itch already.  I hate this part of sunburns.  I have tomorrow off.  I am so happy that I don't have to go in to work.  :)

Well I went to the lake with my Mom and Amber and it went good.  I got sunburned tho.  I met a guy there his name is Michael.  He lives about an hour and a half two hours away from me.  Well he came over to watch a movie with me.  I thought we had fun and really clicked.  Well I guess we didn't click as much as I thought.  He got into a fight with his stepdad and said he would never be back around here again.  I thought maybe him and I would really click or something, but I guess not.  He said he isn't good with long distance relationships, and that he hoped I found someone around here.  Story of my life...

I still have feelings for Mike.  And that aren't going away.  And its too late for me and him. I guess I will just continue on working on myself.

I also have to work today.  Really not looking forward to that at all.

Well I am off work today...Which is a good thing.  I just want to crawl in to a ball and cry.  I really don't want to talk about what is going on or how I feel or anything.

Bad day at work

I had to work on the layouts for the store today.  Any other day I love doing them because its gets me away from the check outs and on the floor, and I feel like I am actually accomplishing something.  Well the manager "B" gave me like one of the hardest layouts to do.   Normally I like to have a challenge and everything, but today things just went crashing to the ground.

First I found out I had to get few new shelves and put them up, then I had to move all the peg hooks around.  Well I go back and get the new shelves and here to find out I get the wrong ones...No big deal...I never done a layout like this before so I asked "A" if she could help me get the right ones and I would help her get the ones she needed.  She said sure sounds good to her for helping each other.  So we get back there and I find out she has the shelves I need and said I could have those.  Well we have this loft that some shelves are kept in.  So I go up the stairs to help her find them.  It is just plain creepy up there and I am really scared of heights.  I even hate being on a ladder because of how much i hate heights.  So I tell "A" that I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack.  (I get them every once in awhile and really did not want my co-workers see me have one...It is NOT a pretty sight.)  So we go back downstairs and A is in front of me to make sure I don't flip out and fall down which was very nice of her and I did tell her thanks for doing that.

So I ended up doing the layout wrong and L one of my other co-worker points it out to me.  No problem...I fix the problem and ended up taking my lunch brake a little later then what I would normally take it.  I come back from lunch and B is all like you should be done with this by now.  You should be on your 2nd or 3rd layout by now.  I just looked at him and said B I am working as fast as I can.  Everything is moved on this layout and there are lots of new stuff going on here that I don't know how big of a space to leave.  He goes just hurry up.  then he come back after an hours and says your still not done?  You really need to get a move on this should have been done a long time ago.  He just made me feel like I was stupid and slow... And I know I am not stupid...I am actually a very smart girl. 

Then M the girl that is at the service desk called me up to pull the money out of my drawer and I told her I didn't run today.  And she said ok.  And I said we could use my money for someone else since I didn't have any customers.  Well I go back to trying to get the product back on the shelf.  (I had like 2 and a half shopping carts full of stuff.)  She calls me over the loudspeaker again and I call her back and ask her what does she need.  She says she needs my check out slip.  Now T the store manager has always had us throw them away so has everyone else that works up there or is a manager.  Well she was all like I need that slip.  Okay fine I go up to get it for her because she said she couldn't find it.  It was the FIRST paper I picked up.  There were only two pieces of paper in the trash basket.  I give it to her and she goes.  OHHH I didn't see it.  I wanted to tell her Really?  You didn't see that their was only two pieces of paper in the trash?  Seriously?!

So I go back to tell the other manager A that I couldn't get done.  She was nicer.  She just told me to put the layout back in the little bag and to push my carts of product over some and that someone would finish it or I could finish it tomorrow...


I ended up not getting done with putting stuff away or cleaning my area up...I just hate that the day just went bad...sigh...I work tomorrow doing layouts again...I just hope I don't get an even harder one and that I don't have B being a jerk toward me again...

Sorry for the long rant...Thanks to all that took the time to read it!

Well work went really good today.  I got 2 layouts finished.  They both were pretty long ones, and that had a lot of new items being added.  I am glad with how much I have been getting done lately.  I am hoping my store manager sees how much I can get done and he decides I can do more of the layouts.  I love that I am not on register tho.

It looks like my brother is moving back home.  Don't get me wrong I love my brother and everything.  But I love the fact that I have my own room.  My luck I will have to go back to sharing with my sister, and I hate sharing a room with her.  We don't get along with how we do things.  It just drives me nuts that she lets stuff just go and I want to have my things set out, but when I am in her room I don't get to have my things out like she does.  And I hate that.  Who knows maybe I can keep my room.  I sure hope so...

Well today when really good.  I got 4 of the layouts done today.  The day went pretty fast.  I am working tomorrow the same hours I worked today.  I just hope that I can get everything done that I need to get done. :) 

I am hoping that M is feeling better then what he was.  I try not to worry a lot about him, but sometimes I do when he is having a bad day or he is feeling sick.  I like it when he is in a good mood and teasing me about things. :)

Well today I worked a four and 15 min shift.  It went pretty good.  I got my DS3 out of layaway today.  I love it!  I am so happy I got something for myself.  I hardly ever get something for myself.  So I am finally doing things for me.  I like that I have my job. :)

Next week I start doing layouts/resets for the store.  I am really looking forward to being off register and getting things done the way I want.  And we are getting ready for inventory that is coming up in two weeks.

My head was hurting earlier today.  My head started feeling better after I drank some caffeine.  I ended up sleeping and resting a lot earlier.  :)

Well work went pretty good.  I had to check candy dates.  I am working tomorrow morning too.  I like working in the morning better then cause I have the whole rest of the day to do whatever I need to get done.

Mom just went to go get A.  She stayed the night at her new boyfriend's house.  She got mad cause Dad yelled at her for eating most of the hotdogs that were supossed to be for supper one night.  Mom told her she needs to start doing stuff around the house more.  But she won't.  It drives me nuts that she does nothing.  Sigh.  Oh well there is nothing I can do.  She is going to have to learn that she can't be lazy and depend on everyone else to do stuff for her.  I am refusing to get her a phone.  She keeps bugging me about buying her stuff and I won't do it.  I have things that I need to pay and get done.  She just don't get that I am not here to cater to what she wants...

Mom had to go and bring A back home and she brought her boyfriend with her.  That is fine and everthing and I am happy she has a guy who seems to like and care about her...but its making me crazy cause I am stuck in my room with Panda cause he dont like people he dont know and just is a brat.

Well today I had to work...It went ok..Found out they changed my work hours so I was 9 min late.  Then T called me about taking care of A.  That went really good.  I got paid 20 for working about 2 hours.  She did NOT want me to go home.  It was sweet she kept giving me candy and I would sneak it back in the bag.  It was just really cute that she was doing that.  I am gonna watch her again sometime.  Just not sure when yet.  I have to work tomorrow.  I just hope I don't have to be on register the whole time.  It gets annoying always being on there.  At least next week I am doing layouts.  That gets me totally off register...At least I hope it does.

Well I went to the lake with my Mom and swam and laid out.  I got a little pink on my arms and my face got burnt but nothing hurts at all.  :) 

Well I told M that I would like to try and be in a relationship with him again.  I hope he wants to too... :)

7 16

Okay for some reason this didnt post right...grumbles...

Today I had to work 4 hours.  It went pretty fast...I got asked to do layouts by the store manager...It made me feel good that he wanted me cause I know how to do it.  So I hope I do a good job.  :) I love doing the layouts more then being on the cash register.  :) 

I came home and A was gone with this new guy.  She decided to stay the night with him.  And I was just like wow seriously?  You don't really know him.  When Mom tried to tell her it was not a good idea.  She told mom that she didn't care what she had to say and that just makes me mad that she would talk to mom like that.

Well I have today off...It is so hot outside.  We went to the library so I could turn in my pages read and get a few new books...OMG it was so hot in my car!  Then my sister calls and ask for my Mom to come pick her up in my car.  Mom told her no because we would end up passing out from the heat.

I listened to this song M sent me and I wondered if he was telling me he wants me to be back in a relationship with him.  He said he did and my heart just totally sped up.  I love how he cares so much about me.  He is a great guy...Sure there are times I just want to go thru the phone and choke him, but I still love him for his good traits and his traits that drive me insane.  :) 

I hate drama...I have been trying to watch a group for my gf and I hate the drama that goes on in there...Sometimes I just want to take a break and let someone else watch over it.  I want to just tell people to grow up and figure out how to act right already...sigh..

I had the day off today so I spent most of it doing my laundry.  Poor Panda my puppy got sick this morning.  He is okay now.  But I had to was all the blankets and sheets on my bed.  Panda is like my baby.  I love that dog!!!  He can be a brat but he is such a cutie!

I am so happy I had today off work.  I basically did nothing! :)  I did do some laundry and I did the dishes since my Dad made supper tonight.  He said thank you.  My Dad hardly EVER thanks me for anything I do.  So it made me feel good that he did.  Tomorrow I have to work in the garden shop...I know its going to be really hot out there.  I just hope the time goes fast and I dont have to work with M.  She really drives me insane and I really don't like working with someone who talks to me like I am stupid.  Cause I am not stupid.  I am actually very smart and bring a lot to the company I work for.  I know if she keeps acting this way I am going to the managers and telling them how I feel.  Because I really like working for K-Mart.

Today was just one of those days. The day started out really good for me. Then I got to work... First the lady on the sales desk who is in charge of all cashiers and who also can't stand me puts me on a register that is always breaking down...okay fine...you could have put me on the other register that no one was at and works fine...but NOOOOO you had to be a an evil little witch....

Then I had a customer that started to talk to me like I was stupid....YES. I. AM. DOING. WHAT. YOU. ASKED. ME TO DO!!! That is how the lady talked to me. And A the girl from the sales desk who came in to replace the evil one came over and told the girl off for treating me like crap.

Then right after that I get one of those people that HAVE to yell in to their phone why I am trying to ring them up then they ignore me when I tell them the total. I told the girl 5 times her total. The customer behind her goes " GET OFF THE PHONE ALL READY AND CHECK OUT!" I wanted to give that customer a hug....

I had to work 4 hours today.  It went ok...I am just glad I am home and not having to worry about work till tomorrow.  It is hot as heck here today!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

It is so quiet here.  I really like it this way...But I do miss my Mom...

Well my Dad is back home. :) The power is back on thankfully.  I hated not having power.  I mean it was nice spending the time with my Mom and my sister and playing uno.  But I still hated the fact the it was so hot in the house.  We could hardly sleep at all. 

I worked today.  It went really good.  Then we took Mom and my sister to my brothers.  They are watching the house and the dogs while My brother his girlfriend and her kids are in Chicago for a few days for their vacation.  It is going to be weird just being here with Dad.

I am getting so frustrated with a few of the people in a group I help moderate.  I wish the people would just get along already, or at least just not talk to each other.  It is just making me want to pull out my hair.  sigh...

Well now my Dad is in the hospital.  His white blood count was down.  So they are trying to bring it back up now.  He has been feeling sick the past few days.  The medication seems to be really working tho.  So that is good.  I hope he gets better soon.  I mean I hate that he is there, but it has been really quiet and some what calm at home.  I say some what cause my sister is having a major attitude about everything.  I have no idea what is wrong with her.  Mom says everything has to be about her...sigh...

I am working a 4 hour shift tomorrow.  I hope things go good with everything tomorrow. We had a big meeting at our store with a lot of the managers.  We had to do a lot of cleaning the store and fixing a few things.

Well J went home yesterday.  Thank the Lord!! He was so incredible creepy.  I stayed home with Mom and Dad and Amber took him home.  I guess the whole time he was saying that he missed me.  Then he calls me last night saying he has heard rumors and that I should call him if I want to talk to him.  I told him that I am not calling him again and that I didn't want to date him or have anything to do with him.  I will never go out with a friend of Amber's again.  I would rather stay single.  Everyone in my family got the creeps from him.  I just wish that I never said he could come with L.  I would rather had just spent my birthday with my family and not had him here.  My birthday was still good tho.

I got the best gift ever when Mom was released from the hospital on my birthday.  And then I stopped at the post office and I got my gift from M.  A Yankee key chair and a Yankees jersey.  I love them!!! I have worn the jersey every day since I got it. 

I go back to work tomorrow.  I just hope I have a good day and remember some of the extra specials we have going on this week.  I am not in the garden shop at all this week.  I think next week I will be though.

Well I had the date with my sister's boyfriend's friend J....He was nice and everything at first, but then got a little weird.  He said a few things that reminded me of my ex husband, and also acts like him with a few things.  I did not like that at all.  I told him I would rather us be friends and that I didn't feel anything when he tried to kiss me.  I mean shouldn't you feel a spark or something?  And he chews tobacco which is fine...But I am just not into it..  I am just glad he is going home soon.  They put a tent up and have been staying there.  L (my sisters Bf) went home yesterday and I was really hoping he would go home too but he wanted to stay and my sister called my Mom and said it was ok for us to take him back home Sunday.  There are other things about him that I am just not into.  He likes to go hunting...and that is fine, but its not something that I would like to do.  The idea of killing an animal as a sport just makes me sad.  He also makes fun of Amish people and I really don't like that someone would make fun of another culture or what they believe in.  I mean I may not agree with some of the things they do and stuff, but I am not going to put them down or make fun of them.  He also makes some jokes that are just stupid and I don't get them or they are mean and just plain rude.  My sister even said she was sorry she pushed me into going on a date with him, and everything.  She said she gets a weird vibe from him.  Mom even said she didn't think he is the right guy for me.  And I am in agreement with her 110%.  I kept thinking that I swear I saw him on America's most wanted.  And that just makes me even more creept out.  Dad even said he is creepy.  So that door is totally closed. 

ANYWAYS......

I am now 30 years old.  Holy crap do I feel old!  I don't really know how I feel about being 30 yet.  I haven't really thought too much about it to be honest.  I will write more later on...

I am off of work today.  My sister has been pushing for me to talk to this guy J.  He is older then me.  I didn't really want to talk to him because I still want to be with M, and I know at this time it's not possible and he don't want me to wait around.  I understand that.  It breaks my heart that him and I can't be with each other.  I am totally in love with M and he knows it.  I know he has a lot going on in his life, and that he is trying to get things together.  It just hurts.  Well we had it set up that on my birthday that he was going to spank me on the phone.  Well now that may not happen because of me talking to J.  And J and my sister bf L are supposed to put up a tent in the yard and camp next weekend and celebrate my birthday.  M don't want to spank me cause of him being here.  I get what he means that J could feel hurt that I am getting spanked by another guy.  I understand it.  I am just upset because M and I already had plans to do this and I really want to get spanked by him.  I just want to fall asleep and wake up with me and M being together and things working out...

When is my life going to get easier?  When am I going to be happy again?  Cause right now I don't feel happy.  I feel really depressed and upset and I feel like I am just totally alone...  I don't know anymore about anything...

I am off work tomorrow.  I had to work a four and a half hour shift this morning.  I was on the cash register for it.  It went pretty good.  I had to get used to using the register a different way though.  I got used to working out in the garden center.  I love it out there.  There isn't as much stuff going on.  Even though it gets hot out there at times I can still go inside the store and get cooled off some, and I have my water bottle that I am able to drink out of.  So that helps a lot.

 I am going to end up going to the library so I can log the pages I have read for this week.  I am at a total of over 8,000 pages so far.  I am proud of myself for getting to this point.  Reading really helps me relax, and not worry about things that are going on at home.  I am also going to do laundry too. 

My Dad has been talking to me about this place he wants to get that is over 2 hours away from where we live now.  I would have to see about transferring to a different K-mart.  I don't really want to transfer though.  I like the K-mart I am at now.  I have friends here.  I won't really know anyone there.  I don't make friends easy at times.  I get kinda shy when I meet new people.  I know we need a new place that don't cost so much, but I am just unsure about it all....I know right now we don't know if it will happen or not.  I just hope that things will work out.  I know I can't do anything about it right now.  So I will try and stay calm and not freak or stress myself out about it right now. That is all I can really do right now.

Well I been enjoying my last three days off.  I been pretty much just relaxing.  I have to work tomorrow 4 to 10:30.  I am working in my fave place the garden shop once again :) 

I turned in my pages read for this week at the library.  I read over  3000 pages so far :)  I am hoping I win something again this year.  The have a lot of things for prizes this year. 

My Mom had her test done today.  We won't know the results till Monday.  I am really worried about what they will say.  I hope good things.

I worked today from 8 to 2.  It went pretty good.  I got a lot done.  I had to move the plants around.  So now my back is hurting some.  So I am laying down on my bed and watching movies.  I work 8 to 2 tomorrow. 

I am just feeling really down today.  I miss talking to M....sigh....

Some one just shoot me already.  I am so tired of getting hurt and crying....I can't handle it anymore....I am to the point I just want to do something stupid...

Work went ok...

My Mom may have to have her gull bladder out.  They are going to run test to find out about it.

I am just feeling down today... :(

I had to work today.  It went pretty good.  I was up front most of the time.  I did end up in the garden shop covering for P's brake.  Then I had to go and straighten parts of the store.  It went pretty fast today.

 Friday the reading program for the summer starts at the library!  I can't wait!  I am wondering what the prizes will be this year.  Hopefully something cool.  I love reading!

I am working tomorrow 4 to close in the garden shop.  Then I will be off work till Saturday.  Which that will be my first day off for the past 6 days.  I am hoping I will get a lot done on my day off.

I worked in the garden shop again today from 11 to 3 15.  It went pretty good.  We had so much stuff to do today.  We had to move things around.  I had some help from one of the new guys.  He was fun to work with.  We ended up picking on each other.

I work 8 to 2 30 tomorrow and then going out to eat for a late Mothers day gift for my Mom.  I also get paid tomorrow!!!  So I have to get a few things before I leave work tomorrow.  Mostly I need to get a phone card for my phone because I need to have a phone.

I am feeling a lot better then what I was, but I still have a really bad cough.  I am trying to get better though.  I hate being sick.  I have to take things slower and I hate doing that.  I love being on the go and having things to do.

I been sick the last few days.  I been in bed most of the time trying to rest.  I gotta admit I was getting pretty bored just staying in bed and only being able to sleep.  I know sleep is the best thing for me, but it got so boring.  I like being able to do stuff.  And I know I should slow down when I am sick.  So I need to work on that more.  I am still going to try and take it easy cause I don't want to get worse or anything. 

I worked yesterday for 3 hours.  I didn't really do much, but just stood at the counter.  I didn't even put any freight out cause I knew I would end up getting tired.  And it helped that the store manager even told me to take it easy.  They opened the valves for the sprinklers to wash out the old water I guess or to make sure it worked and the garden shop ended up getting water in it.  That has never happened before there.  I am just glad I didn't have to clean it up since I was leaving and D was coming in to work. 

Today I worked 8 to 2 30.  I had to put the new signs up for this weeks sells.  I was getting upset by one of the kids that works there.  He came to giving me my brake and told me he didn't have to do what I asked him to and D one of the managers said he did.  Well when I was leaving to go on my break he told me I should have never said any thing.  It upset me that he would talk to me that way.  It was pretty warm today.  The temperature was at about 88. 

It was so nice to walk into the house and feel the cool air.  Mom even opened my room so it will get cool in there as well.  I am glad that my parents decided to put the air conditioner in.  I am thinking about buying one for my room, but I don't know for sure about spending that kind of money yet. 

I work 4 to 10 30 tomorrow.  I am prolly going to end up doing a lot of stuff outside.

I worked 12 to 5 today.  It went pretty good.  I ended up putting freight out.  It went really fast today.  Things were a little better then what they were yesterday.  My Dad is still going off about the stupidest thing though.  I wish he would just stop the yelling and getting on people about the stupid stuff.  I wish he would say nice things for once.  Oh well..  Nothing I can really do. 

I am working 8 to 2 30 tomorrow.  I hope it goes good like it did today.  :)

I am sitting here crying.  I can't stop.  It is cause my Dad keeps yelling at Mom and my sister.  I am in my room just trying to get away from it and I can't.  I really just need a break from this house and my Dad.  I can't handle it anymore.  I really can't.   It just keeps getting worse and worse every day it seems like.  It maybe fine for like a day and then he goes off about something else.  I can't say anything to him.  The last time I did he said if I don't like it then I can get the heck out.  I have no place that I can go..  I don't even think he knows that I get these major attacks of anxiety when he yells.  Right now its to the point I am having trouble calming down and just being able to breathe....

So my Aunt talked about me and my Mom going with her to this conference she has to go to for work. I went a few months ago and had fun hanging out at the hotel and spending the time with my Aunt when she had the down time. Well she said she was going for this conference for 3 days. Right during my birthday. I thought hey that will be cool and she invited my Mom and I to go with her, She told me we wouldn't have to worry about getting a room or the meals. Then today she says she cant pay for the meals and then says I don't have a problem with you going...So what am I supposed to tell my Mom who is looking forward to going...I'm sorry you can't go cause I am not going to be able to spend all the money for both of us to eat and help with a hotel room...I can't say that to my Mom. So I am just not going. I am done with people promising and making plans when they are just going to break them and then decide not to follow through. It ends up making me more and more upset to the point I can NOT take much more before I just totally break...I am getting really close to the point of totally just loosing it. I really can't take much more...

July 15..

Today went pretty good at work.  It was a 4 hour shift in the garden shop.  I like it out there. :)  I had to clear a lot of the dead stuff out of the plants today and water the heck out of them.  They have been so dry lately so I keep having to water them like crazy.   We are supposed to get 5 trays of flowers in today.  I wasn't there to put them away tho.  So that is good.  I just hope that the guys put them nicely and it looks good.  Cause if they didn't I will have to redo the work.  And that can get annoying having to go over someone elses work.

Today...

This morning my Dad went off on my sister because she asked him to make sure she was up to take her pill.  He comes down and starting yelling that if she is going to ask him to wake her up then she needs to get up.  I wish he would just stop yelling all the time.  I have a lot of trouble being around when people yell it makes me really freak out.  I wish he would get that he can get people to do stuff without yelling and treating them like crap.  Mom just came in she was trying to mow the yard.  Well Dad goes off on her cause she isn't mowing the way HE wants her to do it.  Apparently the way she does it is wrong.  I just don't get why he goes off about the smallest and stupidest things.  It's like he is trying to get all of us to the point of just having a nervous break down.  Or he is trying to see how far he can push us.  I hate that he does this all the time.  That is why I spend so much time alone in my room.  At least when I am in there I don't have to hear him go off about things as much.  I can try and to forget him.

I don't have a lot of stuff that I need to do today.  I just need to fold and put away my clothes.  I like when I have my days off, but sometimes like today I just feel bored.  I don't know why.  I mean I could catch up on some of the shows that I missed.  Which I already have.  I could watch a few movies, but I don't really feel like watching anything.  I am just feeling lazy today.  Every once in awhile I get in these moods where I don't want to do anything.

I don't know how my sister can stay up all night long and then just sleep all day.  I used to do that before I got a job and started doing more stuff around the house.  Don't get me wrong I like to be lazy every once in awhile, but doing it all the time everyday would drive me insane.  There is so much going on sometimes during the day and I feel bad that she misses so much that is going on in the world.

I had my interview with my brothers girlfriends Mom.  She is really nice.  I maybe taking care of her daughter that is Autistic and also has seizures.  I hope she decided to bring her here and have me work with her.  I think I would do a good job, and maybe I can help her more.  I don't want to get my hopes up to high though cause when it ends up not happening I end up getting really upset and being hurt.  *sigh*

Well work went pretty good.  I have tomorrow off! YAY!!! So I decided to do my laundry again.  I figure I try to get as much stuff done on my day off as I can.  I know in three weeks I will end up being very very busy.  I work every day but one day.  I am going to be one tired girl, but the money will be good. :)  Maybe I can get everything caught up and get things finally finished. 

I am pretty much going to be hanging around the house.  I am thinking of getting stuff for the grill with my next check.  I wanna have a barbaque.  I have no idea why lol.

I love this show America's got talent.  There are some really good people and acts on here.  And then you have the people that are just plain wrong and awful that you just have to laugh.

I worked 8 to 12 today.  It went very good today.  I ended up doing 2 pallets of freight.  It went really good.  I ended up getting almost everything but 3 boxes put away.  I work the same shift tomorrow.  It goes pretty fast when I have stuff to do and it is busy.  I still like it even when there is no freight to put away.  I end up cleaning and pulling the dead stuff off the plants and flowers.  In two weeks I will only have one day off for the week.  I am totally going to love the money.  But I know I will be very tired. 

I am going to be getting a new phone.  The one I have now keeps messing up and not sending text and things and I am getting tired that it don't work right.  Plus I already spend about as much as having a regular plan then with a go phone which is what I have now.  I have to end up going to the store to get one.  Mostly cause my credit is so bad that I would prolly have to do a deposit.  Which really stinks.  I hope they will let me get one at the store tho...Think I will see about going to the store when I get my next pay check...

Well today I had a good day so far.  I didn't have to get the shot for my arm.  I do have to do some physical therapy at home with my arm.  The doctor game me a little sheet of paper that has some exercises on it.  So that is good.  If it still hurts in 3 weeks I will have to go back and may have to run some test to see what is going on with my arm.  I just hope it is better by then.

 Then Mom and I went to KMart so I could get a few things like flowers,  veggie plants, and a few other odds and ends.  Then we came home and planted everything.  I think it looks really nice.  And I liked spending time with my Mom doing something other then just watching tv. 

Now I am trying to get my laundry done and I have to do my sheets as well as my clothes.  I just have so much energy today to get things done.  I have no clue where it came from but I might as well do things while I have this energy! LOL!

I am working tomorrow 8 to 12.  Its a little shift, but I like those shift.  And I like working in the morning more cause then I have the whole day to do what I want or what I need to do.

I worked in the garden shop yesterday it went pretty good.  :)   I think I got a lot done.  Mostly I just had to really water the flowers and the veggie/herb plants.  We have to water things about 5 times a day it seems like because they get so dry.  I really like being out there and not having to deal much with the rest of the stuff that is going on in the store.  It is nice having my own little area and I get to decide where to put some of the plants.  And I get to take care of them and make sure they look nice.  I am working 2 to 10 today.  I am hoping things go good today like they did yesterday.

I am taking my mom out to eat tomorrow after her appointment and then we have to go to the doctor about my arm.  It is still hurting a lot.  Especially after  I am finished at work for the day.  I hate the idea of having to get a shot to help it.  Needles scare the heck outta me!  And I really don't like going to the doctors.  But I need to get my arm to start feeling better.

I worked 12 30 to 5 today.  I was out in the garden shop again and I will be working out there for the next two weeks.  I really like working out there.  I did get annoyed with the sales desk though.  I called her on the walkie 3 times then on the phone 3 times and she totally ignored all the calls.  And when I get someone to cover me for my break she about has a fit that I didn't clear it with her.  Well I tried to. 

We went to the church and ate today.  Mom was talking to a few of the people there and she is thinking of starting to go there on Sundays.  I think it would be kinda cool.  It is also a way to make new friends.  I know she don't have many friends that she talks to.  I think it would be good for her.  And the people at the church are very nice.  When she was in the hospital they brought her a small orchid.  I think it was very sweet of them and it showed that they cared about her and how she was doing.

I have today off yay!  I went to the lawyer and I have to wait till after I found out if i need to get the shot for my arm or not. 

My dad is one of his moods...I am just trying to stay as far away from him as possible.

Doing pretty good today..My arm is still hurting but I am trying to still use it.  I have tomorrow off yay!  I have to go see my lawyer.  Matt took me off his insurance and he isnt supposed to do that till the divorce is final.  I am going to tell my lawyer that I cant pay both the bankruptcy and my medical bills.  I just think I should file bankruptcy on my own and just get the divorce finalized already.  Its been almost a year since I filed the papers.  I am just ready for the next chapter in my life, and be done with everything that deals with Matt.

I am working 9 to 6 today in the Garden Shop.  I like it out there even though it gets kinda boring when I have nothing to do.  It is supposed to rain today.  I hope it doesn't.  Yesterday I had to put some of the stuff away.  I am hoping I have to do that again today.  It really makes the time go faster.  M was working the service desk and I called about my lunch and she was like I don't have anyone to send down.  So I had to lock up for my lunch and then when I came back I asked her about my last break and she was like I don't have anyone to send down there to cover you.  So I couldn't take my last break.  It is very annoying when she works up there.  She has no clue what she is doing and won't ask the other girls.  I have no clue why she won't.  I mean if I didn't know how to do something or I am unsure about something I ask about it.  Why don't she do the same thing?  Oh well nothing that I can do about it.

When I got home I pretty much just watched little kid movies.  I was in what I like to call little girl mood.  Once in awhile I get in that mood. 

Today I just feel kinda blah...sigh...

Well I went to the library today and I took my sister with me.  She wanted to leave not even a half hour after we got there.  She said she was tired.  So we ended up coming home.  I basically just played games on facebook today.  I also read a little.  

I am working tomorrow in the garden shop again.  I work 9 to 5.  I am going to prolly be bored out of my mind.  I mean in the morning I will have a lot of stuff to get done but after I come back from my lunch I will prolly not have anything to really do.  I just hope it goes fast.

I worked in the garden shop today.  It went pretty good.  I was doing the signs for the weeks specials.  It went really good.  There were some that I couldn't find.  So the kid that came in to take over for me so he has to finish getting them done.  There wasn't that much that he had to do actually.  I did a lot of it. 

I am off work tomorrow.  So I am going to take my sister to the library and get her out of the house for awhile.  I think it would be good for her.  She is having some guy trouble here lately and I think she just needs to get out of the house for awhile and have a little sister time.

I got today off so I have been doing my laundry and just hanging out at the house.  And be online of course.  I gotta play my facebook games LOL! I really don't want to do much today to be honest.  LOL.  I did get my state tax check cashed.  So I got this little penguin pillow it is soooo cute!

It looks like my sister will be having a new boyfriend.  D is closer to her age and he is very nice.  He has a thing of holding doors open and I think that is just sweet. I just hope A takes it slow with him.

I work 8 to 2 30 tomorrow in the garden area.  I like being out there most of the times.  I just don't like it when it is really slow and there is nothing for me to do.  If I have stuff to do it goes so much faster and I like that better.

I had to work today.  It went pretty good we got out of there pretty early and I have to work tomorrow.  Saturday I have the day off so I will end up doing laundry and just hanging out at my house after I go and cash my tax check. 

I am working in the garden shop pretty much the whole time for the next two weeks.  I like working out there even though it gets boring after awhile being out there alone.

My Mom is back home!  I am so glad she is back home.  She is sleeping a lot and has to take it easy.  We did have to go to the ER last night though.  She took some of her insulin and had an allergic reaction to it.  The doctor at the ER and her family doctor have never seen or heard of anyone having an allergic reaction before with this med.  Mom was like yeah, but it is me.  LOL!  I just thought that was kind of funny that is for sure.  While we were there Mom goes I am not fing staying here.  I just started laughing cause of how she said it.

I had today off.  I was happy that I had the time off so I could sleep in some.  We didn't get home till after 3 am.  So that was just crazy!!!

I have to work 4 hours tomorrow.  I am just hoping that things go fast tomorrow.

My Mom is still in the hospital.  I really hope she can come home soon.  I hate that she is there alone so I have been trying to spend as much time as I can there.  Right now I am at home laying down and watching a movie and just kinda resting for awhile.  I don't want me to end up getting sick cause of always being on the room.  So I am trying to keep it easy for a little bit and kinda let my body settle down some before I have to be on the go again. 

I have to pick up my sister later tonight.  She went with my brother and his girlfriend to see Mom and when she is ready to come home I will have to go pick her up.  I wish Dad would set up on something more and not always make me do everything.  Nothing I can really do...

Getting really annoyed with the doctors.  They are supposed to take my Mom down for an ultra sound and they still have not come to get her.   They wont let her eat or drink anything until they do it.  She has not have anything over 24 hours.  If they don't come and get her soon I am going to ask the nurse to find out what the heck is going on.  This is getting very annoying.  How about they go with out eating and drinking anything for over 24 hours and see how they like it. 

I know doctors are supposed to help you and everything but this is just making me so annoyed.  I mean all she is asking for is some water...sigh...

My Mom had to go to the hospital today.  Her pancreas is inflamed and they are going to be doing test on her tomorrow I believe.  They said something about doing a scope and then an ultrasound.  Not totally for sure yet what they will do.  I hope they will tell us soon.  I hate this.  I am so worried about Mom.  I have never had something this serious happen before to my Mom.  I am so worried about what is going on with her.  I just hope they make her feel better.  She is in a lot of pain and that really scares me.  


I called in to work for tomorrow.  I want to be at the hospital if they do any test on her.  I feel that I need to be here for when she has the test.  


I am kinda mad at my grandparents.  My sister and I both have been trying to call them and they won't answer the phone or anything.  It is like they don't really care about my mom and that really makes me mad.  It is like they don't really care and that really just makes me mad.

I am so disappointed in my cousin.   She knew her son had to have his diaper changed and she didn't do a thing about it.  She just rolled over and went back to sleep.  I however got up got a new diaper and the wipes and changed his diaper.  If I had to wear diapers I would want someone to change it right away.  So I did.  Then she was going on about how bad it smelled.  Well yeah it smelled.  more later...

I am staying at B's house for the night.  She has to take G to the doctor for his check up.  I hope it goes ok.  It is nice getting out of my house.  I have the next 3 days off of work.  :)

Today was a pretty good day for me :)  Work went pretty good.  I was on register.  We were pretty busy today. 

I am excited about tomorrow.  I am going to J's bday party and we are roller skating.  I havent been on skates since like 2007 so this is gonna be strange.  I just hope i dont fall on my butt too much and that my knee will be ok.  I am going to try it :) 

I am happy I have the day off tomorrow.  It is going to be so much fun.

Work just sucked.  How hard is it to say to the person you are talking to 'Hey I am at the check out can you hang on a few min?'  And then you continue your conversation later. 

Also its not my fault that the debit machine is not working right.  I have no control over the equipment that I work with.  If you want to bitch about it tell the manager about it.  I did the right thing when I told the girl that was doing the sales desk that it wasn't working right and she told me to just run the cards through my register and have the people sigh it.  So don't give me shit about you having to take 5 seconds to sign your name cause its not working.  Just so you know calling me a fucking bitch does not help me to try and help you.  It makes me want to just slap you or shove you in front of a car...

Well I am off again today!  I go back to work tomorrow.  It's only going to be a four hour shift.  So it will end up going fast.  I enjoy my days off, but it can get boring being at home all day.  I can not wait for Saturday.  We are celebrating D's birthday.  We are going to the skating rink.  I have not been roller skating in over 4 years.  I am excited about it but worried about falling and re hurting my knee.  I am going to try though.  I can't let my knee keep me from doing things that I want to do or try.  I want to get a bike so I can start ridding it.  I think that will help me with trying to loose weight and it is fun to do. 

Off work the next two days! :)  Gonna relax and get stuff done around the house.  May start taking walks soon.  As long as the weather is nice...Right now its rainy and gloomy outside.

I am thinking about starting to write stories again.  I miss doing that but I just havent really been in the mood to write lately.

The store check went good I think....I hope we passed...

I can't make him love me.  I can't make him want to be my friend...I just feel so lost.  I don't really want to talk to anyone about how I feel.  I am scared I will just get hurt more then what I already am.  I feel like I am totally just shutting down.  Maybe that would be the best for me to do...I don't know. :(

I cant breathe...I just want to die my heart is totally broken and i feel like i am unwanted and worthless...i dont matter anymore i am so heart broken hearted that I dont know what to do anymore i just want to go to sleep and never wake up...I cant stop crying...

The guy that I am totally in love with lives far from me and I know he thinks that we will never be together physically.  And we both wish we could be.  I want for us to work so much.  I hate when he puts himself down.  I wish he could know what I see in him.

He is smart.  He has come so far from the person I first met.  He cares so much about how I feel more then how he is feeling.  I know he hates when I say things that are mean about myself.  He has a way of making me feel beautiful and special.  He tries to do what he think is best for me even if that means hurting him...I don't want him to hurt.  I want him to be happy.  And I want him and I to be together and work things out with each other.  I am a different person when him and I talk.  I smile more and I laugh more then I have for the past few years.  I am truly happy when him and I are talking.  Even when he is yelling at me for doing things that drive him nuts and makes him upset with me.  I know he only does it because he cares.  I just wish he would give us a chance and maybe just maybe it would work for us.  I want to be with him so much and I wish that I lived closer so we could spend time with each other.  I know he don't think that could happen, but maybe it could...

I know there are things about him that he hates and he thinks it would make me go down with him.  But I think I pull out the best in him.  I think he has become a person then what he was.  I know there are things that I have done to make him change on somethings.  I hope that I make him feel like he is wanted and loved and happy.  Because that is how he makes me feel.  I just wish he would understand that. And that he would see the way I think about him.  I love him for his past and I love him for how he is now.  I love him for him and that won't change.