Update

I am doing pretty good.  Work is going great! I really love working there.  I would with the greatest people.  And the company it'self is awesome!  Just worried about the next few months cause I know its going to be nuts!!!!!!

I got a job!

I got a job!!!! Finally!  I am now working as a cashier at Kmart. :)  I am so happy I finally got something.  Now I just have to work on getting the bankruptcy paid off and then my divorce can finally go thru and I will be totally free from ever having to see Matt again... 

I am doing a lot better with the whole getting divorced thing though.  I finally got it through my head that I did nothing wrong and that I at least was trying.  He gave up...  But I am not getting into that whole thing again.

A few thoughts.

I am back on track to trying to get control over my life. For the past few months things seemed to have gone totally insane. I wasn't understanding what I had done wrong. I still struggle with thinking everything was my fault. I feel like I am a failure at times because of my marriage falling apart, and him telling me he didn't love me anymore. That was one of the hardest things to ever hear in my life. Hearing that someone who said he loved me just woke up one morning and decided he didn't feel that way anymore. And that is ok. I am not going to lie and say I am back to being my happy go lucky self because I'm not. Will I ever be like that again? I don't know. I don't really smile anymore. I even had an old friend of mine tell me that the spark totally went out of my eyes, and I have no idea how to get it back or if I will ever have it again. I am still hurting but at least I am still trying right?
I am lucky my family has been helping me some, but at times they make it worse. Right now my Grandma and my Aunt wants me to move back in the same town as they live in. But he lives there too now, and so does his family. I really don't want to see him or his family unless I have to. I am half scared I will go off on him. Like I said there is still some anger there. They also have a habit of telling me if they see him and with who. That is still really hard to hear. Yes I know I just had a date and everything, but it is still hard to hear. I have a long way to go...
I also just want to thank my friends for being here when I needed to talk, and when I needed to cry. You all have made me want to stay around instead of just saying heck with it all... Love ya all!

Court

Well I had court yesterday for my divorce.  It went pretty good.  He filed for a continuance.  So now we have to go back in about 3 weeks to go in front of the judge I think. Matt (my soon to be ex husband) signed the title of the car.  So that when I get a job and money saved up I can trade it in.  He is also keeping me on his health insurance until the divorce is final, or till I get a job and can get my own insurance.  He also has to continue to pay for the bankruptcy.  I am just so glad we weren't able to have kids.  It is bad enough with the feelings we have towards each other now.  I gave him his stuff back that I have been trying to get to him for like 2 months.  We talked some and were civil to each other.  He did say he was sorry about how he handled things.  We just fell out of love.  There's nothing wrong with that.  And I really think we got married to early...But I hope he has good life and finds someone that is right for him.  Will I find someone?  Maybe.  I don't really know at this time.  I just want to do stuff for me for once.  I am starting my life over at 29...Wonder what to do now... 

I swear the house that I am cleaning is like the house from heck...  I mean it took me 3 hours to clean the bathroom.  3 HOURS!!!!!!  How in the world could someone let their house go like that?  We have already put in over 24 hours cleaning the house...No not all at once.  Still normally it would take Mom and me to clean a house in 2 to 4 hours.  This is just ridiculous.  I would be so ashamed if my house looked like his, but hey at least I am making money for cleaning it.

What you may ask am I going to do with the money I make.  Well some of it will be saved up.  Some will go for my phone.  I really want to get a new laptop and I need to pay off the divorce fees since Matt never filed and I had to do it.  Stupid jerk...Okay not getting on the subject of him again....

I am almost done with the reading program I am in.  I have read over 38,000 pages.  When the librarian told me that my mouth almost hit the floor.  I knew I read a lot, but WOW that is a lot of pages and books. I am trying to win this Nook E Reader.  It is really cool...I have one week left to read as many pages as possible...I just hope I get it!!!

Yard Sale

Well I am home from my grandparents house.  We had a yard sale this weekend.  I actually made a pretty good amount of money.  So I used my money I made and bought myself a cell phone.  I got kinda sick of waiting for Amber to be off the phone to be able to use it, and she has a thing of forgetting to give me my messages.  So I decided I would get a phone...Now I need to get a job so I can keep minutes on the phone.  I was gonna go today, but I got a sunburn over the weekend, and its so hot out that I would prolly fall over.  So I am planning on maybe tomorrow or maybe Saturday.  And that is mostly because there is so much going on this week. 

We are going to go and clean the landlord's brother's house.  His mom is going to pay us.  Well she will pay Mom then Mom will pay me.  And I think that money will end up going for money on my phone as well... I want to get stuff I want...Not what everyone else wants...This time is for me now...:)

My fun filled weekend...

Well I am back home after spending some of the weekend at my Grandparents house.  I had a great time even though my sister was driving me insane.  Then again A is ALWAYS driving me insane...I swear sometimes I wonder if she really is my sister.  I mean she is nothing like me.  We only look alike. 

We had went in the parade and that was a blast!  Then we went back to Grammy's house and had a huge cook out with most of our family there.  I love being able to spend time with my family.  I didn't realize till now how much I missed out.

We missed seeing the fireworks on Winona Lake...BUT we got to see them in Nappanee.. Grammy, Grandpa, Auntie , K, Mom, A, and I all walked down to the bank at the end of the street and watched them with our little lawn chairs we carried down.  There were such pretty colors.  I love watching fireworks.  I always have. 

Funny I come home for a few days and then I am leaving again.  Thursday my Dad is dropping me off at B's house so I can babysit Friday morning for the boys.  And then shes going to take me to Grandma's house so we can have a yard sale this weekend.  I hope I sell all my crap.  I sure as hell don't want it back at my house...There is like NO room for it here.  And I need the money.  I want to see about getting a cell phone...And then Monday I am going job searching...I just hope I find something fast....

Weekend plans.

Well I missed the fireworks last night because of the storm.  And today Mom and I are spending the night at my Grammy's house! YAY!!!  I love going to my Grandmother's house.  It gets me away from my house that is way too small for all of us that are living here.  I mean I have no place to really go to get away.  My Dad has his room and so does D.  But us girls all share a room.  It really sucks!  But anyways.  Tomorrow is the Forth and The Red Hats are in the parade so Auntie D wants us to be in it.  So Grammy is going to pick us up so we can go.  I love my family.  I love being able to spend time with them again.  I always have fun when I am with them.

In a few very short weeks I am going to have to start looking for a job.  It would prolly be something part time till I get used to working again.  And my knee gets a little stronger.  But hey at least it would be money coming in.  And we need the money.  I hate money.  I hate how it controls everything.  Oh well...Better get finished getting ready to go!

Somethings I needed to get off my chest.

Well my class reunion is coming up in September.  It feels so weird that 10 years have gone by since I was in high school.   I mean wow.  Where has the time gone?  And what is weird is I have hardly talked with anyone I went to school with.  I mean there are a few people I say hey to but that is about it.  I think it would be nice to see some of the people I went to school with and see what they are up to.  I hate that I haven't done all that I wanted to do yet, but there is still time.

Here I am at 29 and I feel like I am starting my life over.  This time I am not going to let someone tell me who I can be friends with, or when and if I can see my family.  I missed out on a lot because of not being "allowed" to see some members of my family.  Why?  Because my soon to be ex-husband didn't like them, or didn't agree with what they said.  We always had to go to his families get togethers.  He let his family call me names and treat me like crap.  I was always nice to them.  I took care of Matt's Dad when he wasn't able to do stuff before he passed away.  I took care of Matt's son H when in all honestly I didn't have to, but I did these things out of the kindness of my heart.  Where did it get me?  Accused of cheating on him.  I had never cheated on him...Then he says unpure thoughts are against God's will.  Okay...I get that.  But yet wasn't he having unpure thoughts when he would see a pretty skinny girl go by him and he would say hey she is hot I would love to have a little fun with her.  Guess I wasn't the only one having thoughts.

What pisses me off is I was willing to try and work things out.  Go to marriage counseling, or something to work things out.  But he doesn't even want to try.  Oh well his loss.  I know that I wont be getting in a relationship where the guy tries to control me again.  At least now I can see my family and spend time with them.  Just wish I knew this before I got married.  Because I don't think I would have ever married Matt .  He diffidently is not the man I married that is for sure.  Hope he finds whatever it is he wants.  But I guarantee no woman will put up with his anger problems that is for sure!  I don't know how many times I had to step in when he was yelling at his poor son.  No wonder that child didn't want anything to do with Matt.  He was always yelling at him for something.  Thank God I was never blessed with kids when I was with Matt.

Zoo Adventure

Well today was a fun day.  I went with my cousins to the zoo.  It was fun watching how much they loved seeing all the different animals.  I even got L this littlest one to say duckie and when I said monkey he would make oohh ohh ahh ahh sounds.  It was so cute!  We sure walked a lot tho!!! I got my exercise for the day that is for sure!!  There has been tons of changes from when I was a kid and visited there.  And of course I HAD to see the penguins!  Got tons of pics of them.  K was in charge of taking pics...Rolls eyes...she did a pretty good job tho. :)  They even have ways to interact more with the animals.  Like feeding the giraffes.  B tried to get D to do that, but he was having none of that!  Then K and I took D, G, and L on the little train ride that they have.  They had fun on that.  L was babling away.  It was  very cute!  We spent a few hours there, and then the boys started to get fussy.  So we were like yup its time to go.  Not long after we left the zoo all three boys were fast asleep!  They slept for a pretty good amount of time.  It was a fun day tho.